Shrivelled Heartbeat

Happiness

Is hard

Hating your smile

Though I love you

Is just easier, quicker than

Following it line for beautiful line

For I am crap at object sketching

And still portraits would sooner make me cry

I hate your jaunty laugh and your full lips

I hate your cheery songs: pop, hip-hop, the top hits

So I’ll drown myself in severity and deny refuge to levity

Because it beats passing yearly vision tests through your rose-coloured glasses

And though some days I may smile and wave hello like I’m you

Understand it is temporary, a brief lapse in sanity (or a moment of willpower)

Because happiness, for me, is hard because I’m fond of the old ways (my old ways)

Because I’d sooner turn to envy, or frustration, or grief because I am not strong, no

Just cold and bitter and dwelling on past regrets that sit like judges in Purgatory’s Supreme Court